Vein Popper #205 - Royal Wedding Fanaticism

OK… I don’t have a problem with people who are just CURIOUS about this wedding between William and Kate. That’s only natural because of all the stupid hoopla surrounding these people (who are just people and not better then the rest of us!). What drives me nuts is the people who think this wedding is more important then anyone else’s wedding just because they are royalty!! GET A CLUE PEOPLE!! Royalty in itself is a farce that really needs to be done away with, but I’ll save that for another vein popper. The mere thought that they are filming this thing in 3D is only slightly less unsettling than the thought of people willing to actually purchase it!!??!! I could understand if it was the wedding between Troi and Riker because that was actually important… but these are people that, in the grand scheme of things, have DONE NOTHING!!

There… I feel a little better getting that off my chest.

PS. If you don’t know who Troi and Riker are, you should be tied up in a sack, the sack thrown into a river and the river hurled into space. That’s all I have to say about that.

Vein Popper #27 - DAMN YOU SHIT HAWKS!!!!

Seagulls... aka. Shit Hawks. How I hate these flying bags of feces! They do nothing but ruin paint jobs, create slipping hazards, and on several occasions, turn perfectly good clothes into smelly ink blot tests. They have become so bad at my work they have actually brought in a company that specializes in their removal through the use of birds of prey and nest destruction. Well it ain't working! They wipe out nests on an almost daily basis but the buggers are quite prolific. And as for the birds of prey... well I think all the gulls took a look at a couple Bald Eagles and Hawks chained to the ground and thought "Look at you... all majestic and austere... oh wait, what's this?? You're chained to the ground you tool... well then... I must crap on you! CRAP CRAP!!". I almost feel sorry for the things. Then I realize that the Bald Eagles and Hawks have a job to do and THEY AREN'T DOING IT! Makes me hate Bald Eagles and Hawks too... well the lazy ones anyways.

Vein Popper #127 - Insufficient Light

This isn’t so much of a vein popper but a mild annoyance at poor planning. I really enjoy going to the movies and over the last several years, theatres have offered a free magazine as you go into the theatre. These magazines are quite good because they are full of info on the latest movies coming out. Now the vein popper here is this: Why in the world would you offer a magazine to your patrons to pass the time if you aren’t going to give them enough light to read the damn thing?!?! Seriously, I have pretty good eyesight in the darkness as most men do (Something about rods vs cones ladies, look it up if you don’t believe me). But I certainly don’t have TOTAL NIGHT VISION and that’s what you almost need in some movie theatres if you want to have any chance at all of deciphering the pictures, let alone the text to go with them! I swear I was eyeing up what I thought was Lindsay Lohan in one of the pics… when I got out of the movies and looked at the picture in daylight, turned out it was Zac Efron… Either way I felt dirty.

Vein Popper #15 - Migraines... a literal vein popper

I am a migraine sufferer. Along with that, I am a frequent headache sufferer. This is due to a couple reasons.

#1. I'm a big guy, which means I'm not the healthiest guy in the world. This means that my blood pressure is probably a tad on the high side which can, surprise surprise... CAUSE HEADACHES! I AM working on this little problem so
back the hell off!

#2. My very genetic makeup. You see, Mother Nature decided not to give me a cool mutation like bone claws, enhanced healing factor, or wings... OK, that last one may not work because a guy my size would need wings the size of a bloody bus! No... I got this nifty little mutation that makes me hypersensitive to the barometeric pressure so I can sense storms coming. Cool right??? NOOOOoooooo... you see the warning system I have is in the form of nausea and... can you guess the punch line?? THAT'S RIGHT!!! MIGRAINES!!!

You see the irony in this right?? I can literally sense when a severe storm is approaching. One so bad it can cause tornado's and the such... you know the ones right? The ones that can KILL YOU!! But my early warning system is debillitating headaches that leave me unable to move... I'll just take a moment to let that sink in.

Intelligent design my ass!

But the only thing worse then these headaches are the people who never get them, and think you're faking it to get out of... . I CURSE ALL YOU THAT DO THIS WITH HEMORRHOIDS THE SIZE OF BOWLING BALLS!

Vein Popper #71 - Measure once, cut twice... throw away

I’ve become a pretty handy guy over the years necessitated by the fact that despite my best intentions, everything I purchase seems to be a “fixer-upper”. This goes from the smallest devices such as outlets (I’ve electrocuted myself so many times I’ve got patches on my body the hair won’t grow anymore) to major projects such as pergola’s, fences and even new water piping. Over that time, you would think I would learn enough lessons that I would become somewhat decent at “do-it-yourself” projects. Sadly, this has not been the case. I have a real knack of underestimating the time it will take to do a project mainly because any and all foreseeable things that can go wrong WILL go wrong (and some real doozy’s that AREN’T foreseeable because they are so ludicrous, it’s a mathematically certainty it can’t happen!). Murphy’s law is actually my family credo!

The situation has become a Vein Popper because I have yet to take on a project, no matter the size, that has not gone 100% to plan. Not the slightest one! It is so aggravating because the simplest task now requires hours a thought and pumping myself up! I know it has to be psychological. If it wasn’t, that would mean there is one sadistic bastard running the show and using me as the punch line to an awful joke that goes along the line “Lets see how much electricity we can pump into this shaved ape…”!

ADDENDUM:
To emphasize this Vein Popper, I just took down my Christmas Lights... Things were going good. I had just pulled down the last string, was coming down the ladder... and shattered an outside light with my elbow. It took me longer to clean up the bits of glass, remove the old bulb with pliers, then clean up the new shards of glass from the bulb removal then to take down the Christmas lights! Then when I came into the house to clean up, I blew a light bulb in the bathroom. UGH!