Vein Popper #117 - No more cool cups at gas stations

What happened to the days when you filled up at the gas station and you got a really cool cup with the Muppets on it... or Star Wars even?? And that was back when gas was south of $.40 a liter!! We pay over 3 times that now!! You'd think the gas stations would be handing out MP3 players or Computers!! But nope... the only thing I've ever gotten is a questionnaire on their service and a CHANCE to win $5000. LIKE THAT WOULD EVER HAPPEN!! You would figure with the price they are charging us for gas, the very least they could do is give us a free tube of KY as they bend us over the pump every time we gas up!!

Vein Popper #98 - "Girl Power"

I know I may be stepping into a shit storm with no umbrella and my mouth wide open here but these are things that bug ME so here I go. 2 words… “girl power”. Essentially the whole feminist movement bugs me to no end! Now please don’t confuse the feminist movement with equality because it’s not. Equality to me is not saying everyone is equal but recognizing EVERYONE’S strengths and weaknesses, then utilizing those strengths and help work to overcome weaknesses so they don’t jump up and bite you in the ass. But when someone starts yelling “girl power” or cheering for a woman JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE A WOMAN… well that just rubs me the wrong way. I am willing to admit that I am perceiving the situation from a male point of view but I do like to consider myself a rather progressive kinda guy. So for anyone saying “Oh he’s just a guy and doesn’t get it…”, think about that and if you aren’t being a tad sexist.

PS. I hate ANYTHING that betters a group of people and not others just because of race, sex or religion. I just happen to hate the phrase “girl power” with a white hot intensity! Thank you very much Spice Girls.

Vein Popper #83 - Moronic radio ads

Now I know ANY ad you can remember for whatever reason is a good one. That includes really stupid ads. But it's one thing to intentionally create a crummy ad and not knowing you've created a monster!

One sure fire way to create a crap-tastic radio ad is to have 30+ year olds not only write a script as if they were teenagers but then also read the part! I have serious doubts that the teenagers in my area sound like Sean Penn from Fast Times at Ridgemont High (He was the Stoner/Surfer)!!

A little tip for all you business types that want to advertise on radio targeting teens, grab a group of teens from the highschool, have them write a few ads then READ it for the air rather then letting some local radio personalities try reliving their youth on the air!!!

Vein Popper #125 - Coffee Addicts

This little beauty really pisses me off... People who have to take their Tim Horton Coffee's EVERYWHERE! It's bloody ridiculous! The worst of these junkies are the mothers who take their kids to swim lessons and bring their coffee's through the changeroom and into the pool area WHERE, I might add, is clearly marked NOT to have food or drink! I guess the rules don't apply to THEM. In their infinity stupidity, they have never once stopped and thought "Hey, Having a HOT coffee where children are running around and getting changed for swimming, COUPLED with the fact that the floor is wet and is a slipping hazard MIGHT be a tad bit dangerous...?". I HATE THESE WOMAN!!! (I haven't seen a man do it but it doesn't mean they haven't).

Could these people not go 1 hour without a coffee????

On a side note, these mothers tend to be the ones wearing outside shoes into the pool area as well. They should all be round up and either shot or sent back to school to learn how to read!

Vein Popper #73 - People who can't read simple signs

I've got a couple examples of these supremely annoying people that can give tropical skin diseases lessons on irritation!

Example 1. People who can not follow simple traffic signs. Such as "No Left Turns" or "One Way". I've been cut off several times by idiots coming out of the drive through at our local Tim Hortons. There is a big old sign saying "No Left Turns" but I would have to say 90% of the people coming out of there make exactly that! The icing on this blood pressure rising cake is they have the gull to flip ME the bird or honk. I've even been followed to my destination so the person could get out and yell at me. I actually welcome these little diversions though for you see, I can be one intimidating SOB when push comes to shove. Lets just say the little punk left with his tale between his legs and a VERY embarassed looking girlfriend.

Example 2. When I worked in a grocery store, I always hated when some customer (usually ladies around 40ish) would rush in 5 minutes before closing and say they just needed to grab a few things. This is when they would proceed to pull out a list that if fully unrolled, would cross several time zones. It's not like the store times weren't clearly marked! It's on the bloody door you came in through! These shoppers would rush around the store for the most part LOOKING like they were speed shopping, but this in fact was a total illusion. If you looked carefully, they always had something in their hand but most of the time, it would not make it into the cart. They would also always hit the deli last so all the wrapped meats that had been prepared for the night would have to be reopened to get 2-3 slices of each one. SO FRUSTRATING! Lastly, the customer would always have to make some comment about feeling "rushed" out of the store as they were leaving. NO DUH! At this point, it's usually 45 mins after closing. Next time, READ THE SIGN!

Vein Popper #101 - Snow blower shredding

It doesn't happen as nearly as often as it used to, but it still happens. Our local flyers get delivered to us all wrapped up in a transparent bag. NORMALLY they get delivered to us by being placed right at our door. However, this is not ALWAYS the case. Sometimes they are dropped off at the end of our driveway. This is usally followed by a heavy snow fall. Can you see where I'm going with this? That's right! When Mr. Bag'O'Flyers gets in a wee argument with Mr. SnowBlower, the outcome is always the same. Mr. Bag'O'Flyers becomes Mrs. Confetti! And sadly, Mrs. Confetti is a rather large woman who usally encompasses all of my front lawn.

Now Mr. SnowBlower isn't picky about who he gets in a fight with either. You should have seen what he did to Mr. Tennis Ball, Father Asphalt, Mrs. Stone and last but certainly not least, the Chipmunk Family (they won't be making any albums anytime soon!).

Vein Popper #59 - Having to take a leak...during a movie... in a theatre

This drives me nuts! You're sitting in the movie theatre enjoying the hell out of a movie (wouldn't be a vein popper if the movie sucked and you didn't mind leaving!), then the call of nature hits you! A small tickle at first... easily put to the back of your mind. But like every great biological eruption, this micro shock is only a pre-cursor to the main event. But before it the flood gates can open, two things must first happen.

1. The storyline must get complicated, drawing together all the characters and associated problems into an intricate puzzle where, with one little detail, the whole plot will crystalize and become perfectly clear

and 2. The tremors of your bladder start building pressure and the simple act of crossing your legs causes your back teeth to start floating.

At this point and only this point, you are now ready to jump seats and walk over people to get to the facilities while praying to any and all gods that the mere act of standing doesn't slacken the muscles holding your violently shaking bladder together.

At this juncture, it will not matter how long it takes to go to the bathroom, be it 5 seconds or 5 minutes... you have MISSED the important plot detail. The rest of the movie will feel like there is something lacking... and that is because there is. My only advice is this. Get over it or pop a vein!

Vein Popper #304 - Duelies

Alright... for those who don't know what "Duelies" are, they are the second set of tires duct taped or stapled to the rear wheels of a truck.

The reason they have made the vein popper list (looking stupid just doesn't count... yet) is that most of our roads and ALL of the parking spots in our little world are not designed for these vehicular equivalants to silicone implants! Have you ever had one of these monstrosities park next to you?? It's damn near impossible to get out of your parking spot OR in your vehicle!!

That's why I always carry a socket wrench... because ya never know when it will come in handy!

Vein Popper #178 - Tinkering with Salisbury Steak

I used to love Swansons Salisbury Steak! It was fast, easy and tasted great! Especially the hungry man's dinner because it had 2 steaks! Then the unthinkable happened... they toyed with the recipe and now it's salisbury steak WITH mushrooms... I HATE FRIGGIN MUSHROOMS!! THEY MAKE ME SO SICK!! THEY RUINED IT FOR ME!

Now I know they did this quite some time ago but I feel it still deserves a Vein Popper title because everytime I go down the freezer isle at the grocery store, I always head to the TV dinner section to check if the people at Swansons have recieved my letters and returned this classic meal to it's former glory... Sadly, I always leave the isle with a vein throbbing and a tear on my cheek.

Vein Popper #80 - Vending machine ate my money

I'd like to find one person this little scenario doesn't piss off! You put your change into a vending machine, you push in the buttons, you watch that delicious treat inch ever so slightly to the edge... then nothing. It bloody well hangs there!

Once this occurs, 3 things tend to happen right afterwards.

1. You hit the buttons again hoping it's just a programming error. It NEVER is. This step is futile but whatever.
2. You look around to make sure no one is watching, then shake the machine like a madman. This on occasion works and is why we do it. Hell, sometimes you don't even need to put money in and it still works!
3. So shaking the machine hasn't worked... that leaves one option. You walk away shaking your head. When you get about 10 paces away, you hurridly turn around and take a run at the damn thing, throwing yourself into the air and become a 300lbs ballistic gorilla in sugar withdrawal! This almost never works though because those stupid machines are made from some kind of polycarbonate (bullet proof glass). More often then not, this little tactic knocks all the junk food to the back of the machine and your local social club members come out running to make sure their money maker is alright!

All in all, the best thing to do if the machine ate your money is just leave it alone. You're shoulder and possibly your head will thank you.

Vein Popper #148 - Wearing someone's "Dream Underwear"

I work in a place where before I begin work, I strip nekkid and change into provided work clothing which includes undergarments. To most people, the thought of putting on someone elses underwear is just disgusting. To me, i've been doing it for so long, it doesn't even raise my blood pressure a point. That being said, there IS something about the situation that does make it a vein popper for me!

Putting on someone elses "Dream Underwear". These little treasures are the underwear someone dreamt they could fit into! What kind of dope they were smoking at the time is beyond me but it must have been good! Once someone has put on their pair of dream underwear, the elastic band gets stretched so much you would think it was made of Kryponite! Once they are done with them, they go into a big bin, sent off to be cleaned, then brought back to be put in the bin for the next use.

This is where my trouble begins! It is not always easy to tell when you have grabbed someone elses dream underwear and is only usually made apparent about 30 minutes later when you are having a hard time keeping the underwear above your knee's while you're walking! After about 2 hours, these little marvels of science break all physical laws and fall off through one of your pant legs with your pants still on!! EXPLAIN THAT PROFESSOR HAWKING!!

Vein Popper #124 - The "Playa" holding up the line

I work at a place that requires you to drive through a security check and show them your badge with your picture on it. Pretty simple and fairly quick when a person has their badge ready and their window down as they drive up to the security guard. What can derail this simple transaction of identity is when there is an attractive female security guard manning the checkpoint (It may slow down woman if there is an attractive male security guard but i'm not sure... woman's brains don't tend to be located in two locations on their bodies).

Now, the problem arises when a male see's that their is a female security officer and does everything humanly possible to get into the lane that goes to her checkpoint... this includes cutting other motorists off causing THEM to veer into the ditch spooking the hidden security agents in the trees who are already a little jumpy from downing a 6 pack of redbull and reading the latest issue of "Guns'n'Ammo". These wired officers then mistake the ditched 1997 honda civic for a military grade hummer full of Terrorists. The ensuing gun battle could be viewed as a tad one sided. AND all of this happens just because some guy wanted to make sure he got to hit on an attractive security agent!

That being said, this IS NOT what pops my veins (I don't drive a civic so what do I care?? It's actually fun to watch if you keep your head). What cheeses me off is these guys have to make small talk with the security guard thinking she might ACTUALLY be interested in them!! That's all fine and good but can you strike out on your OWN time please!! After watching (and in the summer when my window is down, hearing) them crash and burn countless number of times, it does get a little old. And the worst part is we are in the midst of a hiring blitz so there are lots of new guys coming to the site thinking they have a shot! I'm having to leave earlier and earlier to make it on time at work because I have to wait in line for these hot shots to strike out!

One final note. I must apologize. I did embellish things a little bit about the security agents shooting up the civic. As far as I know, none of the agents can read :)

ADDENDUM!
On reflection, I was a bit critical of our security forces seeing as they are NOT the problem. I just threw in a few things for laughs. If you can't figure out what I made up and didn't make up, then you're a moron.

Vein Popper #34 - Screwing up an order going through the drive-through

I've worked the fast food industry. It doesn't take a whole lot of intelligence to do it. Actually the more intelligence you have, the worse off you are because you begin to create inane and stupid things to do until you can punch out and get on with your life! However, there seems to be people out there who just can't seem to punch in a food order correctly. For example, I visit my kids fav. restaurant on the way home to treat them (It's the one with the golden butt cheeks that seem to get fatter with every billion served). I say my order, they repeat it back to me CORRECTLY I might add... I would check it on the screen they so handily provide but it never appears to work so I trust them that they get it right. I drive up, sign over my house to pay for the deep fried fat on a bun, grab my bags and head home. Now... can anyone spot my mistake?? I DIDN'T CHECK THE FREAK'N BAGS! Stupid me for assuming my server has an IQ greater then a bloody glass of water!

I pull out my kids meals... all good. My wife's meal... all good. My meal... SCREWED! Now I have a delicate stomach (even though you wouldn't know it from looking at me). Certain foods do not sit well within it's bubbling confines. Mustard is one of those things. So when I ask for a burger with just cheese and ketchup, it's not only because I don't particularly like the other toppings but one of them actually makes me ill. I can't even just scrape it off because the smallest amount can set off a gastronomic nightmare. My meal now consists of salt mashed in with potatoes with no BBQ sauce (I Love their BBQ sauce by the way, but they screwed that up too and forgot to put it in the bag).

Now if this had only happened once... sucks to be me. I can live with it and move on. But it has happened over and over again. What is so difficult reading a screen!?! Were they just repeating everything back to me like a parrot... THEN try typing it in from memory as i'm driving up?? Boggles my mind and makes my head throb!